As I was driving 5.5 hours home from the beach with my very 3 year old yesterday, I was reminded of a saying Hobbs told me during labor: Time only moves forward. In that instance, he meant it as a positive. Whatever horrible pain you’re currently experiencing is temporary, time will keep moving forward and that pain will change, whether good or bad is irrelevant; it will simply change. We can’t force time to move at our own pace, and we can’t go backwards.
Parenting has been hard lately. I realize likely not all of my readers (all 18 of you! love you! thank you!!) are parents or are at least not in this current stage of parenting that I’m in, so I’m not offended if you stop here and catch me later. Or, perhaps some of this might resonate with you in different ways. I’m never really sure in these Shower Thoughts posts, I’m just out here bearing my soul and hoping it means something to someone. I digress.
Parenting a three year old has been particularly hard lately. As it so happened, our family beach trip this year coincided with a work trip Hobbs had already planned (not a big deal, we see my family all the time so it was certainly okay he would miss it). What this really meant was that I would be solo parenting for a week. Again, not really a big deal, I do it alot (and I have the greatest and deepest respect and admiration for those who do it every single day. You are the true heroes). What I sort of forgot, though, was that we’re in a very difficult phase right now, and we would be out of our normal routine in a different than usual place. The week was…. not what I was expecting. By day two, I was ready to throw in the towel and just come home. Send her back to school, see my dogs, get back to regular work, and call it a loss. But I remembered Hobbs’ words from 3 years ago: time only moves forward. Sure, I’m dealing with some shitty toddler behavior and I’m losing my cool way more than I’d prefer, but this phase that we’re in? It’s temporary (thank God). She won’t always yell at me illogically and without reason. But also, she won’t always want to snuggle with me at all times. There’s only a short window of time where I can watch her learn and master a scooter surrounded by her big cousins and see the pride on her face when she finally nails the backstop. There’s only a short window of time I can see her tiny hands and feet dig into the sand, eyes fixated on the ocean and see the gears turn in her head while she tries to understand it all.
It’s a terribly horrifying and heavy thing to be a parent. A little person’s whole worldview, sense of safety, understanding of things is put on our shoulders to teach and nurture. But thank goodness we don’t have to do it alone. My sisters, my mom, and all the big cousins were there, too, to guide me as a parent and teach G all sorts of things this past week. Next year will be different, this I know. But that’s the beauty and the heartache of it, isn’t it? Time only moves forward. We can’t go back, even when we want to (I personally loved the days when all she wanted to do was please me and was the best little listener and took two naps a day and and… but alas). We also can’t make it move any faster. It moves at its own pace, and we’re just along for the ride. So maybe we should try to enjoy it? Not always sure how when I’ve got someone screaming in the back of the car in the middle of eight lane traffic, but damnit if I’m not trying. And I think that’s just the best anyone can ask for, right? To try. Try to keep your calm in the midst of their chaos. And apologize when you don’t. Also, it’s okay to cry alongside them when you really need it. They need to see we’re humans, too.
I’ve had alot of moments recently where I was reminded how important a village is in this parenting journey, especially the journey of a young parent. I got food poisoning a few weeks ago, and Hobbs was out of town. G hadn’t been sleeping well for weeks prior, and all I could do when I woke up sick at 2am was pray that she would sleep through the night. If you’re a believer or not is totally up to you (I will never judge), but I knew that night that God had heard me. She slept through the night and came sweetly in my room at 6:30am (later than her usual 5:30-6 wakeup call). She saw I wasn’t feeling well, went into the living room to play magnatiles quietly, and was a perfect angel through the morning. When Ranna got there to take her to school (a true saint), she happily got on her clothes and shoes without protest, gave me a hug goodbye, and went on her way. When pickup time came around, and I still couldn’t make it off the couch, Ranna stepped in again to pick G up, take her for an after school snack, and entertain her until the work day was over. Then, we walked slowly down the street to our dear friends’ house where I resumed my position horizontally on a couch, and G played with and was fed by the neighbors. Bedtime rolled around, and our dear friend walked home with us, sang songs to G, put her to bed, let out the dogs, and brought me a water on the couch. Yall, I have not been down that bad in a very, very long time. And certainly never with a kid. My village saved me, truly. I don’t know how I would do this without them. I felt the same at the beach with my sisters and mom this past week. On more than one occasion, one sister stepped in to help G calm down and the other stepped in to hold me as I questioned every move I’ve ever made as a parent. It’s hard, yall. Lean on your village, wherever they are. And when you’re in a hard season or when you’re in the best most exciting season, remember: Time only moves forward. Savor the good, and rest easy knowing the bad doesn’t last forever.
In crazy toddler parent solidarity,
Mary Frances
PS - I hate to do this, but I do make jewelry. And one of my favorite pieces (and most popular) is our Time Necklace. I originally made it when I began this company several years ago to serve as a reminder to “trust the timing of your life.” And while I still find that phrase relevant, I appreciate that it can morph into meaning whatever you want it to. So right now, I’m using it to remind me that time only moves forward. We also came out with a bangle version this past Spring. As I mentioned in my last post, we’d really love your support if this message also resonates with you ;)
What’s In My Ears - Do You Wanna Do Nothing With Me? by Lawrence
(I’m a sucker for a brass section)